Hello Sweet Cheer: Beneath the Surface

9.14.2014

Beneath the Surface

     Hi lovelies!  Doing a little evening blogging sesh at the moment.  I recently discovered the Chai Tea Latte at Starbucks...let me tell you, my mind is blown.  I really like it and I'm sort of surprised honestly!  Glad to have a new go-to drink, though!

     Tonight I've decided to open up about something pretty personal.  I like to think I'm open on here but obviously, to an extent, we just can't share every little thing about our lives on here.  Nevertheless, here's a topic I haven't delved too deeply into over the past two, (almost three, OMG) years of blogging!  If you know me outside of your computer screen, you know that I am a dominant personality, usually bubbly, and almost always seem confident.  Oh you don't see that in me?  That's okay, sometimes it's an act.  If you can see through it, I'd say you know me pretty darn well.  Anyway, that's the perception most people have of me.  Even those that are a huge part of my life, still see me that way.  And that's totally okay, and it's mostly true.  That's just not quite the whole picture.

     When I was in high school I went through an experience that changed a lot about me.  There's no need to get into the details, other than the ways in which my life was changed because of it.  I became self-conscious, uncomfortable with myself, unloving of myself, lacking all desire to be who I always had been.  This was a defining moment in my life, putting me on a trajectory of self-loathing for the next four-ish years.  I remained the Meredith I always was on the outside, but on the inside my soul was suffering.  While I was smiling and laughing with friends, my heart was in pain and my zeal for life was deadened.  I looked in the mirror with hatred, I regretted everything I did and said, I fell into sin patterns that I will always struggle with, and ultimately lost all hope for joy.  Like I said, my life seemed just fine on the outside.  I was successful in school, my social life, my extracurriculars, and everything in between.  But there was something different about me.  My love for Jesus and desire to follow him was suppressed by an experience that I allowed to consume and define me.  This resulted in an incredible amount of self-pity, guilt, and self-inflicted hatred.



     Let me be clear, I was wronged.  But I am sinful.  And instead of running to the arms of Jesus, I sprinted the other way and attempted to rely on my own strength to be sustained.  The truth is I wasn't sustained, I wasn't enough for myself.  I was weak, broken, bitter, angry and fell deeper and deeper into sin.

Thankfully, Jesus pursued my heart relentlessly and drew me back to Himself.
    
     This is such a beautiful and life-giving truth...that my Savior chose me and pursued my heart, EVEN IN MY SIN.  I was far from Him, living in the way that my sinful heart desired, and He rescued me.  Romans 5:8 says, "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  While I was sinning against my King, He died for me.  He died for all my brokenness and rebellion.  What a beautiful and redemptive picture.  

     I don't say all of this for you to feel bad for me, have pity on me, or for you to tell me how valuable I am.  My security is in Jesus alone!  The point I'm slowly getting to is that this is a huge part of my story.  Not because I want to stir up the past but because my sinfulness at that time continues to inform my emotions today.  I struggle all the time with being truly confident, feeling like I'm good enough for the people in my life, etc.  In my relationships I am constantly challenged not to put my worth in them and I struggle with the worry that the people I love won't think I'm good enough and they'll walk away at any moment.  And the whole deal here is that I'm not enough and I never will be.  But my Jesus is!  He is everything I need, fulfills every desire I have and ever will have, and His love is sustaining.  And even if someone or multiple someones decided to walk away one day, I would be okay.  Because of Jesus.  Please don't hear a pity party, but hear that Jesus loves you and wants a relationship with you.  Hear that even through that thing you did last night, that thing you said today and that thought you'll have tomorrow, Jesus wants you!  

     Yes, I still struggle.  Daily I have to turn back to Jesus, surrender my heart to Him and put my trust in Him.  But the redemptive process is beautiful and so full of joy!  And now when you see me laughing and joking around and smiling, it's because I have a Savior who assures me of my worth in Him and gives me unspeakable joy!  This just got super, super long.  I've broken one of my only blogging rules...so it's time for me to end this shindig!




I am redeemed.  I am new again!

xoxo


If you are struggling or have struggled with anything I wrote about in this post, please don't hesitate to reach out to me.  If you have questions about this whole Jesus thing, please please send me a message!  I'd love to hear from you.

7 comments :

  1. Your beautiful inside and out!! And LOVED!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mere!! You posted a picture of me with the most horrible face behind you! Hahaha. It's all good.. love you mucho anyway! -Biggest/Best Sis :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Proud of you for writing about this, Meredith :) Your story has and will encourage so many people! Continue to short boldly and obediently.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh how I love you, sweet sister, Meredith!!! Thankyou for sharing your heart :)

    ReplyDelete