Hello Sweet Cheer: How I'm Feeling


How I'm Feeling

This post may not be very fun. And I'm sorry for that but sometimes I just need to be honest with myself and honest with anyone who cares to read these things.

     Being pregnant, a question that I get asked a lot is, "How are you feeling?" And I love when I get asked that because usually it means that person really cares to know how things are. I feel known and like I matter when I'm asked that. The hard part for me is the answer.

What I want to say is, "I'm feeling great! Everything is wonderful and I can't wait to meet my baby."

What goes through my mind is, "I feel okay. I hate my job. I wish June would come quicker. I've been living for the weekend since August. Getting up everyday is a battle. So yeah, I'm feeling just okay."

     I'm at home sick today, thinking about what it would be like if this was an every day reality for me. Sans the coughing and sneezing and such. And the truth is it will be my reality soon. But not soon enough. I've been thinking all day long about how in the world I will make it to the end of this school year! I truly cannot see what the next few months will be like. I cannot imagine myself at work while THIRTY-NINE weeks pregnant. And maybe I won't be. Maybe my baby will come early and I'll only be at work until THIRTY-SEVEN weeks pregnant. But what's the difference, really? My point is that I truly wish I had an option to leave my job sooner than three days before my due date. Unfortunately, the chances of that happening are about slim to zero percent. I'm locked in. Trapped. Stuck where I'm at until June 4th.

     Now, before you think I'm just a big bag of complaints, everything I've ever posted about this pregnancy and how excited I am is 100% true. I am 100% ELATED to have this little boy in my belly, moving around as I type, surprising me with movement while I sit at my desk, waking me up in the middle of the night with kicks and punches and whatever else he's doing in there! I'm even HAPPY to have back pain and tiredness and sore feet. I really am. I would never want to seem like this isn't exactly what I've always wanted. And I sure wouldn't want to seem like I'm not so grateful and feel so blessed that I get to carry my child. I am.

     What I'm trying to say is this...I am not okay. I am not content in my situation. I am tired and I just want to have my baby in my arms in my home and not have to worry about lesson plans and meetings and absences and evaluations.

But that is not my reality.

I am a teacher. And I am pregnant. And I HAVE to be both right now.

     And I cannot be both without Jesus. I need Him for strength and contentment and joy and energy and everything it takes to work full-time and carry my child. And that's really all I wanted to say. I just needed to express that my life is not all roses. I am unhappy at times and I struggle to be content in Jesus.

So I am clinging to these verses...

Psalm 90
13 Relent, Lord! How long will it be?
    Have compassion on your servants.
14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
    that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
15 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    for as many years as we have seen trouble.

How's that craziness for a Thursday night?

xoxo || meredith holguin