Hello Sweet Cheer: All the Feels

5.31.2016

All the Feels

Shout out to all the mamas who made it to 39 weeks pregnant...40 weeks pregnant...41 weeks pregnant...past 41 weeks pregnant...!


     This has been one of the most physically, spiritually and emotionally challenging times in my adult life! It is full of ups and downs and I think that's what makes it seem so full of difficulty. Yet it's also been the most joyful time in my life, how am I supposed to handle all of that?! ;)

     Today marks 39 weeks of pregnancy. To be completely honest, I hoped I would have delivered by now. My mama had her first baby at 38 weeks and as much as I tried not to count on that to be my story as well, I was disappointed when I passed her up. Before I get too far into this post, I want to say that I have truly loved being pregnant. There is nothing I have wanted more my entire existence than to be married to the love of my life, carrying our child, and preparing for motherhood. I am truly living my dream! And I have no complaints. I am so happy with where Ryan and I are in our walks with Jesus, in Ryan's career, in our marriage, etc. We are in such a sweet spot right now! With that said, I do want to share and talk about all that has gone on in me over the last three weeks; the good, the bad and the ugly!

     When I made it to 36 weeks, it felt like we were at the finish line! I felt like I was so close to delivery, no matter when it happened and I was ready to meet my son. I've obviously been so excited to meet him ever since the day I knew he existed - but at 36 weeks I was READY to meet him. I was ready to endure the pain of labor and delivery, ready to experience sleepless nights, ready to see my baby face to face. I knew once I got to 37 weeks that we were good to go and baby could come at any moment! Now, did I think I would deliver in the 37th week? Not necessarily. But the idea that it was good and okay for him to come that week made me even more ready. And then we made it to 38 weeks. And I was really really ready. I tried not to count on delivering that week, but to be completely honest, I was convinced I would. At this point I had been through 2 weeks of cramping, lots of mild/painless contractions and the anticipation that those feelings could at any time turn into real labor.


     And that brings us to today. May 31st, 2016...I am officially 39 weeks pregnant. I was really hoping for a May baby. And it looks like he will definitely be our little June Bug. And that's okay.

     I have prayed and prayed that the Lord would end the waiting and allow me to have this baby. Every night I ask God to wake me up in painful contractions that get longer, stronger and closer together. I have pleaded with him to let me have my boy in my arms sooner than later. And His plans are greater than any desire or idea I have for myself. As I was driving home from the grocery store this morning, a song I love came on. I turned it way up and started singing as I usually do. And before I knew it I was bawling. The words in the song are powerful and I was so convicted.

They say this...

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store

     As I listened and cried and sang out the Lord, I realized how selfish I have been. I have essentially demanded the Lord allow me to meet my child, I have been impatient, I have stomped my feet every morning when I wake up still pregnant. I have said to the Lord, my plan is better, this is MY son and I want to meet him now.

     And the reality is that this baby belongs completely to God, and He has his birthdate and time picked out for exactly when He wants. His will is going to be done - whether I accept that or not. His plans are good and perfect and like the song says, they are for me. I can't help but think about the fact that in all this, I've been so focused on having this baby and the Lord has been slowly, sweetly, gently drawing my heart closer and closer to His.

I am so undeserving, so sinful and wicked, yet my Savior loves me and still wants my heart. That is the hope and truth I am clinging to today and every day!

Sorry for the long-windedness...if you made it this far, I'm impressed! Leave me a comment and let me know. Is this something the Lord has taught you at some point in life? Are you still learning it like me? I hope these words are encouraging and life giving.

xoxo || meredith holguin




4 comments :

  1. he WILL come out, sister! Enjoy those belly kicks because you'll miss them so much even though you can hold him soon! I was so so ready, went in for an induction the morning of 40 weeks, and she STILL took another day ;) hang in there momma!

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    1. Thank you, Stephanie! I am so ready but I know I'll miss pregnancy once he's here!!

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  2. Meredith,

    Thank you for sharing and being so open and honest! I think one of the hardest things about pregnancy is not being in control and having so many expectations of how we want it go. I will definitely be looking back on this in a few weeks when I am patiently (or impatiently) waiting! Praying for that sweet boy and the Lord's perfect timing! Love you!

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    1. Hey Sabrina! Thanks so much for reading. It is SO hard, this has been a time my trust in the Lord has been so tested. I hope you've had smooth and awesome pregnancy so far! Love you!

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